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DEAR HARRIETTE: I kicked my friend out of my birthday party for being too rowdy, and now she expects an apology from me. I believe I am the one who deserves an apology. She was ruining my special day. She showed up drunk before the night even started and caused trouble immediately. She was so loud that my neighbors complained -- twice. I warned her that if she didn't calm down, I would have to ask her to leave, but she didn't listen. She is now asking me to say I'm sorry for making her leave and embarrassing her. I refuse to apologize. What should I do? -- Rowdy Friend

DEAR ROWDY FRIEND: The greatest gift you can give this friend is to tell her the truth about what happened and the impact her behavior had on you, your guests and neighbors. You say she was drunk, so chances are, she doesn't clearly remember what happened at your party. Give her the blow-by-blow in vivid detail -- and preferably in person. Tell her how she behaved from the moment she arrived. Do your best to paint an accurate picture of what she did, how she interacted with others and how you felt about it. Point out the multiple complaints from your neighbors. Name each of them. Make the scene as real as you can for her, so that she can see it even though she doesn't recall the details of the evening.

Recommend that she get help. If you have ever witnessed her behave like this before, remind her of that incident. She will not want to hear this, but it may help her to change her life. Do not apologize. Tell the truth. If she tries to change the subject, tell her she needs to know because she needs to make a change.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've been seeing someone for a very short time. We just met a few weeks ago, and now we are dating casually. Their birthday is next week, and I'm not exactly sure what to do. It feels too soon to go all out for them and throw them a party or get them a gift. How do you celebrate the birthday of someone you are only just getting to know? -- Just Met

DEAR JUST MET: What do you remember about this person that stands out? Think about what you have learned about their personality and their interests, hobbies or desires. What makes them click as far as you know this early in your relationship? You can get them a gift, but it doesn't have to be costly. What it can be is thoughtful.

I have an example, though it's a bit different from a date. A friend of mine was having a birthday, and I wanted to get her something she would appreciate. I know how much she likes the color gold and the fact that she writes with pencils. So I got her a package of gold pencils. She loved it. The pencils cost about $10. It truly is the thought that counts. So think about this person. Is it a date for ice cream? A walk in a nearby park? A book they have expressed interest in reading? Make it something personal -- but not intimate -- that shows you have been paying attention to them.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently started dating a man who is very sweet and thoughtful. He takes me out to nice places and always brings me home. He often comes in and sits down to watch TV or something before heading home. He is sweet and kind. When we are sitting on the couch, he often takes off his shoes, and that's when the problem starts. His feet stink. For real. It looks like his socks are clean, so it's not a cleanliness issue -- at least to my knowledge. But when those socks come off, I nearly gag. He has been single for a long time. I wonder how well he tends to himself. Again, he seems clean, but who can tell? Should I say something? I really can't stand the smell. -- Smelly Feet

DEAR SMELLY FEET: You could be right. As sweet as this man is, he may not be aware of his hygiene deficiency. This is not a reason to distance yourself from him. Your speaking up may bring you closer. Yes, you should talk to him. Tell him you have noticed that when he takes off his shoes, his feet smell. Ask him how he takes care of his feet. Treat him to a couples pedicure if you like that kind of thing. After that, see if the smell goes away. Yes, it will be awkward at first when you bring it up. But you have to address it and hopefully get him to pay closer attention.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son received a number of monetary gifts from my friends and some family members for graduating from high school. I recently discovered that he did not send thank-you notes to everyone. He sent a few the day after his graduation, but as other gifts trickled in, it turns out he did not follow through. I am so embarrassed. People shared their hard-earned money with him, and he didn't say a word. It has been two months now. I still want him to send those notes, but he is dragging his feet. How can I get him to be responsible here? -- Closing the Loop

DEAR CLOSING THE LOOP: Have a serious conversation with your son. Tell him what he already knows: It is rude to accept gifts of any kind or amount from people and not to say thank you. Remind him of the people who shared gifts with him. Point out that even though they came after graduation, they were heartfelt. Those people thought about him enough to send him money. He must close the loop with a note expressing his gratitude and sharing something about his plans.

Offer to sit down with him and help him complete this cycle of giving. You could do it for him, but it is important for him to do this for himself. A part of becoming a responsible adult is completing responsibilities. This is surely one of them.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend of mine wrote a book, and I have offered to help him promote it. It turns out that he is pretty shy and reluctant to accept my help. I know that he has to hustle himself in order to get the word out and sell. I don't mean to be pushy, but if he sits back and doesn't do anything, chances are, the book will come and go without any fanfare or real sales. Should I continue to push him to promote himself even if he doesn't currently feel comfortable doing it? If so, what can I do to get him to do more? -- Promote Your Book

DEAR PROMOTE YOUR BOOK: As an author myself, I can tell you that writing a book is very different from promoting it. Many authors are quiet and somewhat reclusive, so it can be hard for them to step up and wear their marketing hat. Indeed, many authors don't know the first thing about marketing.

You are kind to want to help your friend. Maybe you can start small with him. Offer to host a small gathering of friends who will want to learn about his book. Create an intimate book signing where he will feel comfortable talking about his book. This may warm him up for larger engagements. However, know that you can only push so much. If he continues to balk, stop. Let the future play out as it will.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My dad has sent my kids over $3,000 worth of toys and games, and now he wants to plan a vacation together. He knows I'm still trying to find a car to get my kids to and from school, practices, games, etc. I told him I could not help him plan a vacation right now because I have to make purchasing a car a priority. Now he's angry with me. Why doesn't he understand? -- Car Trouble

DEAR CAR TROUBLE: Your father needs a wake-up call. Don't let him guilt or manipulate you. Sit down with him and point out that he is not Santa Claus, and all of you must live in the real world. Tell him that the extravagance of expensive gifts for your kids is unhelpful when some of their basic needs are not met. Tell him it's too bad that he is mad at you right now, but his anger is misplaced. You are working as hard as you can to provide for your kids. If he wants to help, he needs to listen to you and understand what is actually needed, not what would be fun.

If he chooses to fret, let him. You do not have time to indulge his fantasies. Of course, it was nice of him to shower your children with gifts, but enough is enough. When he is able to calm down, you might recommend that in the future he pick one great item for each child and offer the rest toward their well-being -- i.e., helping you to buy a car. Tell him that a vacation is not in the cards until you can get the basics together. A compromise, though, might be a day trip to an amusement park -- provided he is willing to foot the bill. That is pricey, too.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my best friends recently started planning her wedding and didn't tell me. I always thought that we would share this type of moment with each other. I found out from a mutual friend that she had started planning nearly a year ago and even set a date without telling me anything! It's now two weeks before the wedding, and she just reached out to ask if I'd come. I'm so hurt by this that I don't know how I should respond. What should I do? -- Late Invite

DEAR LATE NOTICE: Sounds like the two of you don't hold each other in the same regard. Inviting you two weeks before the big event is an afterthought. Naturally, this hurt your feelings. There could have been unusual circumstances. As we know, COVID-19 threw a wrench into many couples' wedding plan. But the fact that she didn't talk to you about it at all is what is particularly troubling.

Before RSVPing, get your friend on the phone. Congratulate her on her nuptials and ask her why you are just now learning about it, only two weeks before the big day. Tensions are usually high around weddings, but her behavior is extreme if you two actually were best friends. Find out why she gave you the cold shoulder. Depending on her answer and how you feel, decide whether you should attend. The choice is totally up to you. You owe her nothing. She broke that covenant when she kept you in the dark for so long.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a very inquisitive and talkative 8-year-old son. I am always impressed by the questions he comes up with and his eagerness to learn. I try to feed his desire to learn new things by giving him books to read and finding new places for us to visit. He has older teenage siblings who often find these activities boring. How can I bridge the gap between my 8-year-old and his older siblings, who are not interested in the same things? -- Sibling Collective

DEAR SIBLING COLLECTIVE: Think of incentives that your teenagers might appreciate, and offer them if they promise to spend a certain amount of time with your younger son. Teenagers are often obsessed with the details of their evolving lives and don't even notice their younger siblings. Presenting a desirable outcome to them in exchange for positive quality time with your younger child may work.

If your older children are not naturally inclined to participate in the activities that fascinate the baby of your family, your incentives will only work for so long. Look more closely at each of your older children. Notice if there is one thing that each might be willing to offer to the 8-year-old. Encourage that and see what happens.

Even more, you may need to create play dates and other engagements with your younger boy's peers.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106

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